Special Delivery
by LemonyWickedAwesome
Summary: What happens when Lemony delivers food to the captain in the Soul Society. A very stupid crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

**Lemony:** Idk why, but I've just felt this burning need to write a crackfic. I was actually inspired by the pizza delievery guy who gave me my pizza last night lol. And then I just started mulling over this mkay! Enjoy!

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><p>Toshiro Hitsugaya was rubbing his temples in frustration. He absolutely hated the fact that he was a Captain sometimes. Now it was going on midnight and he was still stuck in his office mulling over todays paperwork...which went unfinished because of his busty, yet stupid Vice Captain.<p>

"Rangiku, your paperwork isn't done correctly...again." The white-haired boy said through gritted teeth. Rangiku rolled her eyes.

"You're just cranky because you haven't eaten today." She replied,

Toshiro's eye began to twitch, "Your more concerned about me eating than getting your paperwork done right?"

"Uh yeah." Rangiku purred, "You're a growing boy...you need to eat. You won't get any taller if you don't."

"Shut up." Toshiro told her, his cheeks burning, "And its too late for me to eat something now. No resteraunts are open."

Rangiku smirked, "Yes there is. There's this new place that's open 24 hours a day, it called Lemony something, something..."

Rangikue began to pad herself down until she reached inside of her massive cleavage and whipped out a phone number.

"They even deliever."

Toshiro took the slip of paper. He was hungry...

~Sometime Later~

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Toshiro looked up from his desk when he heard knocking at his door.

"Delivery for Captain Hot and Bothered!" Someone called, Toshiro frowned as he opened the door. There was a hot chick standing in the threshold.

"Its Captain Hitsugaya," He said, "How much do I owe you."

"Your not even gonna ask me my name?" The sexy beast of a girl said,

"No." Toshiro replied flatly,

"My name is Lemony and I'll be your server this evening."

"That's very nice, now my food?"

"Say my name first." Lemony purred,

"Lemony. What kind of name is that? Now may I please have my food?" Toshiro said getting a bit irritated,

"Say it with me now!" Lemony exclaimed, "Lemony! Lemony! Lemony! Its like a tribe-call quest! You say the whole thing! !"

"My food, please ma'am!" Toshiro snapped to the good looking girl

"Alright, alright." Lemony said handing him a cardboard box, "Enjoy your Chocolate Hob Knobs."

"Chocolate what?" Toshiro said frowning, "I ordered watermelon!"

"You ordered Hob Knobs."

"I did not!"

"Yes you did!"

Toshiro felt his blood pressure rising, "I ordered watermelon! I'm not going to pay for this is if my order is not right!"

"Oooohhhh...you ordered the Boiled Duck!" Lemony said looking over the recept, Toshiro growled.

"I. Ordered. Watermelon!" He snapped, "Not Chocolate Hob Knobs or Boiled Duck!"

"Hheheheheh..." Lemony laughed,

"What is so funny?"

"You said Boiled Duck!" Lemony laughed, "You said it on the phone! You said "My name is Toshiro Hitsugaya and I would like Boiled Duck!" Hahah."

"I ORDERED WATERMELON!"

"BOILED DUCK!"

"WATERMELON!"

"CHOCOLATE HOB KNOBS!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"JAM AND TOAST!"

"Your an idiot." Toshiro said the vien in his forehead was throbbing.

Lemony smiled broadly, "There's no need to be mean. That'll be 39.50 plus tip."

"I'm not tipping you! You're crazy!"

"Yes, yes I am." Lemony said holding out her hand, "Now how about that tip, cutie?"

Toshiro just scowled and gave Lemony on the money in his pocket.

"Keep the change and don't ever come back!" He told her, Lemony smiled,

"Thank you for choosing Lemony's Delivery, please order again soon and enjoy your Hob Knobs."

"I ORDERED FREAKING WATERMELON!" Toshiro shouted but by that time Lemony jumped on her bannana yellow scooter and was off to finish her next delivery.

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><p><strong>Lemony:<strong> Random and just plain stupid. I don't know if I'll continue this but I felt the need for a crackfic...REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

**Lemony: **Ok readers, when you see that I have written a crackfic, I would advise against reading them in public!

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><p>Byakuya Kuchiki sighed as he neatly stacked today's new paperwork on his desk. He wasn't in the best of moods seeing as though he was starving. The raven-haired man skipped breakfast this morning since he wanted to get to the barracks on time.<p>

"I wonder..." He said to himself as his stomach rumbled. The nobleman padded himself down until he located his Soul Pager. He dialed the number to Lemony's Delivery. For some odd reason, this place was all-the-rage amongst Vice Captains. It was kinda early in the morning, maybe they had breakfast options.

RING! RING! RING!

"Helleeerrr?" There was a girl on the other line, "My name is Lemony may I take your order?"

"Um yes, I am Byakuya Kuchiki, I would like to order breakfast."

"Mkay," Lemony exclaimed, "What'll ya have?"

"I would like ham," Byakuya began,

"We ain't got no ham." Lemony giggled, Byakuya just shrugged.

"What about eggs?"

"We ain't got no eggs." Lemony told him, Byakuya frowned,

"Well then what do you have?"

"We got some Lurnch." Lemony told him while smacking on her chewing gum, Byakuya cocked his head.

"Lurnch? Do you mean 'lunch'?" He asked, he heard the girl scoff.

"Did I stutter?" Lemony said on the other line, "I know what I said and I said Lurnch! Byyyyyaaaakkkuuuyyaaaaaaaaa!"

"Stop that. Its extremly annyoying," The nobleman snapped,

"Look dude, you're tying up the line!" Lemony said, "We have other customers and we stopped serving breakfast!"

Byakuya glanced up at the clock on the wall, it was only 7:30.

"You stop serving breakfast at 7:30?" He asked curiously,

"THIS IS NOT BURGER KING!" Lemony snapped, "YOU CAN'T HAVE IT YOUR WAY!"

"Fine." Byakuya said thru gritted teeth, "What do you have for lunch?"

"You mean to tell me you called to get food and you don't know what you want to order?" Lemony laughed, Byakuya took a deep, calming breath.

"You know what," Byakuya began, "I would like to order noodles, okay?"

"Noodles?" Lemony repeated happily, "We have plenty of noodles! We have oodles of noodles! Your order will be ready in 30 minutes or its free!"

"Yes okay, thank you."

"Where are you located?"

"Division 6 barracks. The Captain's office."

"Is it an Apartment?" Lemony asked, Byakuya huffed.

"No." He was beginning to lose his patients, "Its Division 6 Barracks."

"Oooohhh" Lemony said "I know where that is! Alright your order is on the way!"

~Forty Minutes Later~

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK

"Delivery for Captain Coochie-Coochie-Coo!" Someone called, Byakuya furrowed his eyebrows. He opened his office door and there stood a very attractive young woman.

"You're late." Byakuya huffed,

"What do you mean I'm late?" Lemony asked, "I born premature therefor I'm always early!"

"Very funny, now may I have my food?"

"Of course." Lemony then handed Byakuya a big, blonde Shar Pei.

"I didn't order a dog." Byakuya snapped taking the animal.

"Isn't most Chinese food made of dog? Or cat?" Lemony replied, Byakuya was on the verge of drawing Senbonzakura when Lemony looked over the recept.

"You ordered noodles right," Lemony said "Well the dog's name is Noodles."

"Are you stupid?" Byakuya seethed, "I wanted food! Not a pet!"

Lemony's eyes went wide, "Oooooohhh...you wanted food! You're lucky I brought the dog, noodles aren't good for you, dogs help lower blood pressure and-"

"I would like my food. Now." Byakuya demanded, Lemony put her hands on her hips.

"Noodles are so bad for you," She said, "You mix it in water, its only takes two minutes to make, cost a dime a pack that's a trap! That ain't no friggin' meal!"

Byakuya looked like he was going to explode. "Ok fine, but I'm not paying because you were late! You said you'd be here in 30 minutes or else its free."

"Um no," Lemony began, "You misunderstood me, you see the food is free not the dog."

"I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO BRING THE STUPID DOG!" Byakuya finally yelled,

"YOU ORDERED NOODLES! THE DOG'S NAME IS NOODLES!"

"I ORDERED FOOD!"

"Dude ok, you owe my 64.83 plus tip." Lemony said putting her hands on her hips. Byakuya's eye started twitching involuntarily.

"Noodles should NOT be that expensive." He said,

"Man, I burned gas in my scooter trying to get here!" Lemony explained,

"I not paying for that."

"Man you're rich, give me some of them green-backs and I'll leave."

"No."

"I want money, scratch, green-backs, dollars, dead presidents, bucks, dough, sim-"

Byakuya dug into his wallet and gave Lemony all the money, his credit cards, debt cards, and his checkbook.

"There take it!" Byakuya yelled, "Take it all! Just leave!"

Lemony snatched the money and grinned, "Thank you for choosing Lemony's Delivery, please order again soon, enjoy your noodles."

"I don't want this dog!" Byakuya called as Lemony took off on her bannana yellow scooter,

"IT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW!" She replied, "NO REFUNDS!"

While Lemony rushed off to her next delivery the Shar Pei went potty on Byakuya's rug.

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><p><strong>Lemony:<strong> More crack nonesense. I'm so bored with my life also I refuse to be responsible for you guys getting into trouble for laughing out loud!...REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

**Lemony:** My anemia is starting to bother me readers, I'm kinda tired today. Enjoy this silly crack none-sense!

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><p>"Son of a bitch..." Kenpachi Zaraki swore as he rubbed his huge stomach. It growled like a wild gorilla at him! He could swear his stomach was saying "Feed me". His adoptive daughter, Yachiru Kasujishi, frowned at him.<p>

"KENNY!" She yelled, "YOU DIDN'T EAT TODAY!"

"Calm the hell down, Yachiru, I was busy training." Kenpachi told the child who scowled up at him.

"But Kenny, you tell me all the time its unhealthy to skip meals. Now order some food!"

"It's the lunch rush Yachiru, every place is busy-"

"ORDER FOOD NOW!" Yachiru hollered to her adoptive father, Kenpachi frowned. He glared down at the pink-haired girl bearing his teeth slightly.

"Would that make you feel better?" He asked trying to keep his blood pressure down, Yachiru gave him a big ol' kangroo-grin and nodded.

"Can we go to the new place?" She asked, Kenpachi looked at her, dumbfounded.

"What new place?"

"Lemony's Delivery, they have Kiddie Meals with toys! I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!"

"ALRIGHT!" Kenpachi finally yelled, "We'll go to this stupid place…"

"YAY!"

~Sometime Later~

After getting lost for a few _hours _Kenpachi and Yachiru finaly found Lemony's Delivery. The weird thing was: the building was right around the freaking corner from Squad 11's barracks! And what was even worse was, the building was made to look like a gigantic freaking lemon! With Yachiru on his shoulder, Kenpachi approached the ordering menu.

"Hello, my name is Lemony," The speaker box said, "I'll be your server today, how may I help you?"

Yachiru's eyes went stupidly wide, "Lemony! This plastic box stole your voice!"

"Aww, aren't you precious!" Lemony, who was inside talking through the speaker box, replied. "Now may I take your order?"

"Uh…" Kenpachi said rubbing his chin and looking over the menu, "I'll have uh…The boiled duck, two steak tacos, and a large Pepsi."

"And a Kid's Meal!" Yachiru chirped,

"Got it," Lemony said, "And then?"

"And then maybe some of those Hob Knobs, ya' got." Kenpachi answered,

"_And then_?" Lemony asked,

"And then…" Kenpachi mocked, "That's it. I don' want any more food."

"And then?" Lemony purred trying not to giggle,

"And then that's it!" Kenpachi said feeling his blood pressure sky-rocket.

"And then?" Lemony laughed,

"_And then_ that's it! Are you slow? That's all I want!" Kenpachi yelled at the speaker box. Lemony just couldn't help herself…

"And then?"

Kenpachi gritted his teeth, "_And then_ I'm gonna fucking kill you if you say that again…"

Once again, Lemony just couldn't help herself.

"And then?"

"AND THEN I'M GONNA BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR _'AND THEN'_ ASS!" Kenpachi hollered, Yachiru was on the ground, literally rolling from laughter.

"…And then?" The speaker box asked, Kenpachi finally lost it!

"BANKAI!"

"AND THEN!" Lemony yelled laughing crazily, but when Kenpachi released his bankai, nothing happened.

"This building is protected with strong spirit energy," Lemony purred, "I'm perfectly safe in here. Now, you said you wanted boiled duck, two steak tacos, a Kid's Meal, and a large Pepsi…"

"And then some Hob Knobs," Kenpachi finished,

"HA! I MADE YOU SAY 'AND THEN'!" Lemony cracked up and so did Yachiru.

"RRRAAAAAHHHH!" Kenpachi finally blew a gasket and destroyed the speaker box with his bare hands. Lemony came running out of the building to see the enraged captain.

"HEY!" The sexy beast of a girl yelled, "YOU DESTROYED OUT SPEAKER BOX!"

"You were pissing me off…" Kenpachi growled.

"I'M SUING YOU FOR DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY!"

Lemony took the case all the way to Imperial court and the ruling made Kenpachi not only pay for the damages but for pain and suffering on Lemony's end because he got so upset with her, yelled, and then threatened to quote, "stick his foot up her ass", un-quote . As they were both leaving the courthouse, Lemony turned to Kenpachi and grinned.

"Now that'll teach you to control your anger."

"Fuck you." Kenpachi growled, as he was walking away Lemony stopped him,

"AND THEN! AND THEN! AND THEN! AND THEN!"

"RRRRAAAAAHHHH!"

But when Kenpachi tried to chase her, Lemony took off on her banana yellow scooter! She had other deliveries to make!

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><p><strong>Lemony:<strong> Hope you enjoyed…ZZzZZzzzzzZz…REVIEW!


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